Big Pimpin Shinji
by Shinagami
Summary: Shinji learns the 'talk' with the help of Asuka, and an old MTV tape, Eva-01 gets a new look and Gendo breaks into an apartment. *warning* not your avaerage OCC blabber. lots of Pibb went into making this. enjoy


Big Pimpin' Shinji: An Evangelion one shot.

Asuka was yelling at Shinji. Gendo was planning the third impact. PenPen was making some waffles. All in all it was a normal day.

"Shinji, where did you put the clicker?" Asuka asked.

Shinji stuck his hand into the sofa. "Uh....here it is." He tossed it to Asuka. She flicked on the television. MTV of course. 

"What's that?" Shinji asked. He pointed to a guy with a backwards hat yelling something about hotdog flavored water.

"You idiot. That's Limp Bizkit. Don't you pay attention to anything that happens in he real world?

Shinji shook his head. "No."

"Figures. Come here." Asuka led Shinji into her room. Shinji had only been in there a couple times, both of which ending in him having a concussion and three broken ceramic monkeys. Shinji looked around confused. He had just stepped from a traditional Japanese apartment into a photo of on of those American rock concerts.

"Uh........." He said, warily eying the Blink 182, Offspring, Geenday and Orgy posters stuck randomly on the wall.

Asuka sighed and pulled out a VHS tape. "Look. The only way you're ever going to be cool is if you watch this." She tossed the tape at him. It hit Shinji in the eye, causing it to swell up and turn purple.

Misato walked in from the kitchen, Yebisu in hand. "Hey, I didn't know you brought Unit-01 in here." She said nodding to Shinji's growth of an eye.

"Very funny Misato." Shinji said and stuffed the tape into his pocket.

Misato drained her brew and tossed the empty bottle on the ground. "Well, I'll be at headquarters all night, so don't have a giant orgy or something." She smiled evily when both Shinji and Asuka blushed.

Misato left, slamming PenPen's wing in the door. 

"Well, good luck Shinji, I'm going to stay at Hikari's place. Don't go stealing my underwear!" She waved her fist around the air threatingly. With a small shove, Shinji was out of Asuka's room and on his butt. Asuka laughed and stepped over him, much to Shinji' delight......and with that she was out the door.

"Hmmm. I guess I should watch this." He told PenPen. PenPen shrugged.

//This should be interesting.// He thought as he waddled after Shinji.

Shinji popped the tape in and sat back. Without any warning a blast of music and neon colors assaulted his senses.

"Yo! What up?" said a guy who looked remarkably like Shinji, with a little more facial hair. "Welcome back to MTV 2012 Spring break!" Shinji didn't know what the deal was, but decided to watch anyway.

"Wit me here is rap superstar Limp Bizkit! Now ya'll gonna love his sweet jams so give it up for da mac daddy himself, Fred Durst!" Shinji couldn't make heads or tales out what was going on.

"I don't get it, PenPen. What's a 'mac daddy'?" Shinji asked the penguin.

PenPen looked up at the boy. //Beats the shit outta me. Although that looks like Bastard Ikari to me.//

"Hmmm. I wonder what Asuka finds cool about this?"

The screen switched back to the host. "Welcome back all yas! Dis is me, Gendo, Funk master, Ikari wit Limp Bizkit."

"Father?!" Shinji spit out the tea he was drinking all over PenPen.

PenPen shook the beverage off his feathers. //Told you.//

The night went on like that, and eventually Shinji got the hang of it.....sorta.

The next morning......

"Okay everyone! Synch tests in three minutes! Where's Shinji?!" Ritsuko asked.

Maya looked up from her computer. "He's coming, I see him. Wait...Is that a fur coat?"

Shinji strolled onto the platform holding everyone. Misato looked at him expectantly.

"What up yo?" He asked. Everyone facefaulted.

Asuka looked Shinji over and laughed. "So you watched my tape, huh?"

Gendo, who was watching his son's surprise entrance knew exactly what tape that was. Now he'd have to go and destroy it. Couldn't go tarnishing his image.

"True, true." Shinji said and crossed his arms.

Misato couldn't take this anymore. "Shinji, what the hell are you doing? Are you trying to make an ass of yourself?"

"Hey, hey. Don't be haten on me, yo."

Ritsuko decided the insanity had gone far enough. "Alright everyone. Tests start in thirty seconds. Get in your Evas."

"Word up." Shinji started to crawl into the entry plug. Maya stopped him.

"Uh...Shinji. You need to change into your plugsuit." She held up the garment.

Shinji took one look at it and made his decision. "Hell no! That thing's tighter than a bitches as-!"

"Shinji!" Misato ran up the platform and grabbed the fur coat that was wearing Shinji. "What the hell are you doing? Do you think you're actually cool now that you watched Asuka's little tape?"

"Yeah." Shinji freed himself from Misato's grasp and looked over to his Eva. "Gotta do something about that color, yo." It was then that someone decided that Gendo was missing.

"I wonder how the Second Child got a hold of that.....and why hasn't she talked about it?" Gendo picked the lock to Misato's front door, and stepped inside.

"The Second's room should be-" Was as far as Gendo got, because a mass of black feathers dressed in a mini karate outfit gave Gendo's face the what for.

"Damn bird......." Gendo said and drew his Glock .40. "I guess I'll have to use those hunting lesson's after all." Gendo emptied the handgun into a vase that PenPen was just in front of. "Stand still."

Misato looked up from her report to see Ritsuko running her way. 

"Misato! You have to see this!" She panted.

Misato and Ritsuko made their way to the Eva cage holding Unit-01,or what _was_ Unit-01. Now there was a tall bio-mech with......chrome plating and gold trim.

"Well.....guess he went all out." Misato said in awe that something so big could be so shiny.

Ritsuko pulled a clipboard from inside her lab coat. "That's not the half of it. He armed it with a switch blade and a chrome 45. auto instead of the usual prog. knife and pallet gun."

"Sup, yo?!" Shinji yelled from a giant crane that was lugging a giant pair of sunglasses

and a white felt hat with leopard skin trim and a feather in the side. "Like it's new gear? Pretty fly, huh?"

Misato watched as Shinji lowered the hat and sunglasses on the Eva.

"Yui never liked the gangster look....." Ritsuko said.

Misato was going to gawk in awe, but an Angel alarm sounded. "An Angel!"

"Shinji, get Asuka and the other...one...what's her name......." Ritsuko said, scratching her head.

Shinji and the other two Evas were already moving out, though, with Shinji talking about the west side coming over into their hood.....

"Shinji, this Angel is a giant bag of poo. To kill it you have to throw it into the garbage can over there." Misato said. It seemed easy enough, but since this was NGE things were about to get gooey.

The top of the bag unfolded itself and a large serpent like neck of poo emerged and started roaring.

"Damn....so much for killing it easily." Misato said. "Okay...just shoot it till it dies." That was a better plan, blowing stuff up always satisfied her.

Gendo blew the smoke from his gun. "There, killed you." He went over to inspect the corpse. He realized it was a stuffed penguin, with fluffy white cotton. Too bad for him the real PenPen was coming up behind him with a butcher knife........

"Die!!!" Asuka made another run at the poo-Angel, but to no avail. Wherever a bullet hit, or a prog. knife took out a chink, the poo would just reform. Then Shinji got an idea. It really had nothing to do with the attacking Angel, but then was as good a time as any. He'd seen it on Asuka's tape, but wanted to try it himself.

"Yo! What up? My name is Shinji Ikari, but my friends call me Big SI, You see dis' Eva? Mine, foo so don't ya even try, to out do it, out cool it, cause it's me who's gonna drop you a line. I kill dem Angels mother fucker, they don't scare me, my pop may be a bastard, but it ain't his fault, just society, making him the heartless bitch he is, and don't you give me no jizz, about procedures, and strategies, cause I'll take all dem Angels on my home turf, my fraternity!"

Around then the Angel couldn't stand Shinji's lame excuse for free styling and exploded.

"Hey, the idiot did something right." Asuka said. 

Misato shook her head, she'd nearly exploded too, but she thought that was due to menstrual cramps more than anything else.

Shinji stood in the flames of the blow'd up Angel and crossed his arms, 'gangsta style'.

"Heh, looks like I'm the Mac Daddy." Shinji said and strutted back to Nerv with the others.

The battle inside Misato's apartment was raging. PenPen had already broken Gendo's arm, and Gendo had ripped of PenPen's arm.

"Damn bird....must you resist?" Gendo said through buckets of sweat.

PenPen wasn't to be distracted. //Shut up bastard, you should spend more time worrying about yourself than insulting me.// Gendo punched a hole through PenPen, which had a dramatic affect on his attitude. //Damn you Ikari...//

PenPen picked up the mace he'd dropped earlier and swung at Gendo, who took it full in the face. Before Gendo could react PenPen was over him, beating the shit out of his nose. Gendo mustered the strength to push the rabid bird off him and aimed a kick at his face. The battle continued.

"So Shinji...What do you like better, your old self, or your new one?" Asuka asked as she and him walked home.

"I don't know....my crew seem to like the old me betta, but now I got this.....feeling like I can kick anyone's ass." He stopped a passerby and kicked his ass. "See?"

They opened the door to their apartment, hoping PenPen wasn't making more waffles.

"Damn bird......that was unfair!"

"Wark wark, wark wark wark!" //Too bad, girlie man.//

"Eyes front, idiot!"

"Wark wark!" //Shut up, I fight on my own!//

"Gotcha! Do you surrender?"

"Wark!!" //Never!!//

"Then I'll have to kill you."

Shinji and Asuka watched from behind the couch that PenPen and Gendo were sitting on. It appeared they were playing Mortal Kombat on PenPen's PS1.

"Fathe-I mean....Pop? What up?" Shinji asked.

Gendo turned around to face the two pilots, allowing PenPen to regain his upper hand and kill Gendo's character .

"Uh....ahem. Second, Shinji." Gendo played with the trim of his Commander's jacket and looked guiltily at the two.

"What's going on here? Why are there bullet holes everywhere? And where's my beer?!" Misato's growing shrieks came from the kitchen. Gendo looked guiltily at the floor in front of him, littered with beer cans. Misato stormed into the living room, with everyone else. 

"Oh...Commander....Hi?" She said lamely.

Gendo stood up and straightened his jacket. "Yes....Major. Tomorrow is a scheduled synch test...so...."

"Um....Father?" Shinji asked, dropping his 'gangsta' guise. "You uh.....wanna stay here, this evening and, you know....maybe play some video games or something?"

Gendo looked up, tears filling his eyes. "Oh, son...How I wished this day would come!" They ran to the couch and began beating the hell out of each other on Mortal Kombat.

PenPen looked around. //There goes my evening.//

Misato decided Gendo was way to drunk for his own good. And she needed to be too. So she and Asuka went to the 7 Eleven down the road and picked up some cheep Yebisu and floored it home. The next day everyone was too drunk to remember what the hell happened last night and went on about things like usual....except for the people who didn't attend their little party, they were just confused. As Shinji made his way to the changing rooms he spotter Rei walking up to him.

"Hello, Ayanami." He said cheerfully.

Rei looked back at him, and frowned. "Yo, my nigga, me and my crew gonna be hangin at my crib t'night. You there?"

End.

*Author's note. 

Boo. You like? No like? Too bad. I don't think I'll write a sequel, because This is a giant cliche' anyway. I just wanted to put in my own twisted sense of humor. Well, that's all. Please read and review or I'll send Big Pimpin Shinji over to kick your ass! Heh heh.....


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